ABCD

The bookstore has dozens of books that teach children the alphabet. Some do it through popular characters such as Big Bird and Elmo, others by showing everyday life: 'F' is always for 'Firefighter,' 'K' is for 'Kite,' and 'O' is for 'Outsourcing.' Then there's one that's rather popular in the big city, written by a mother to help her children understand their father's drug and alcohol problems:

A is for 'Arrest.' It's what the police do when they take Daddy away; he gets to ride in a cool car and doesn't have to pay.

B is for 'Bail.' It's the money we pay to get Daddy out of jail; it's the reason the pawn shop has Mommy's ring for sale.

C is for 'Crime.' It's what Daddy does to pay for food, toilet paper and soap; he'd get a regular job if he wasn't such a dope.

D is for 'Drugs.' Daddy isn't a pharmacist, but he's sold many drugs; he isn't a model, but he's posed for many mugs.

E is for 'Escape.' That's what Daddy's always trying to do; breaking out of prison or smoking a joint or two.

F is for 'Fool.' Applying for work, Daddy listed his previous job as 'felon'; those drugs have turned his brain into a watermelon.

G is for 'Government." Daddy blames them for all his woes, not all that stuff he puts up his nose.

H is for 'Hunk.' When Mommy married Daddy, he was such a hunk; then he took drugs and everything shrunk.

I is for 'Inadequate.' It's what Daddy feels when they lock him up; his cellmate expects him to wear a D-cup.

J is for 'Judgment.' It's how Daddy's time in prison is often spent, trying to figure out what the judge meant.

K is for 'Kilogram.' That's how much cocaine Daddy hid in his pants; he looked like a stud, but only at first glance.

L is for 'Love.' It's the reason Mommy stays with Daddy through thick and thin; the reason Daddy's always kissing his bottle of gin.

M is for 'Marriage.' It's a word Daddy sometimes mixes up with 'Marijuana'; he tried to buy it on our honeymoon in Tijuana.

N is for 'Nearsighted.' Daddy's always nearsighted, seeking short-term gain; if he thought about our future, he'd short-circuit his brain.

O is for 'Orange.' It's what Daddy wears when he's on the prison crew, the only time in life he's brighter than you.

P is for 'Probation.' It's what Daddy got when he committed his first crime, a good opportunity to do it another time.

Q is for 'Quarter.' Daddy tried to sell some crack to a Fed; that's because he used only a quarter of his head.

R is for 'Remorse.' It's what Daddy's expected to show during his trial; when the charges are listed, Mommy wishes he wouldn't smile.

S is for 'Swearing.' It's those four-letter words Daddy likes to use, especially on those nights when he runs out of booze.

T is for 'Testimony.' It's what those people say about Daddy in court; it's like getting an 'F' on a school report.

U is for 'Underachiever.' Daddy hasn't achieved much in his life so far, unless you count those drinking contests at the bar.

V is for 'Visitation.' It's the quality time you spend with Daddy in jail, when he tells you his dinner tastes like uncooked snail.

W is for 'Withdrawal.' It's what Daddy goes through when he hasn't had drugs in a day; he withdraws to the shed and tries to smoke some hay.

X is for 'X-ray.' Once, at the airport, they put Daddy through the x-ray; you'd be amazed what they found under his toupee.

Y is for 'Year.' Daddy had a job for a year in the slammer; he made license plates for the state of Alabama.

Z is for 'Zero.' That's the amount of joy Daddy's drugs have brought; if he were a trash man, we'd be smiling a lot.